Chapter Four: Friends

I suck at friendships.

I always seem to find a way to mess things up.

Don't call.

Don't text.

Don't talk.

Pretty much fall off the face of the earth like you've never known me.

I also get offended easy.

I try so hard not too.

For the longest thing I thought the reason why I got offended when people wouldn't talk to me any more was me being selfish.

Its my BPD.

Borderline Personality Disorder.

I still tell myself its because I'm selfish and an awful person, and thats why no one wants to be my friend, but thats what your head will do to you when your sick.

The mind is a powerful thing when it works against you.

I don't take friendships lightly, you say your my friend and that you like me, you will make my day, hell you will make my week.

Part of BPD is feeling abandoned.

I feel that way, and have been abandoned in many ways.

I don't trust people so its hard for me to accept when you say your my friend.

So many people have used me, I don't trust.

so many people say they're my friends, but their not

so many people say that they care, but they don't

Every time I trust a friend it comes and bit me in the ass.

I hate being like this.

I wanted to be the girl with thousands of friends on Facebook, tons of snapchat friends, and all the rest of the social media following.

I want friends to be texting me to come and hang out.

I want friends who arnt my friends because of who I'm engaged too or because I'm kinda sorta friends with someone.

I want you to be my friend because of me.

Even when I fall off the face of the earth

Even when I get upset over the smallest thing

Even when my depression is so bad i want to end my life

I just want you to be my friend because of me.

I put on a show for social media.

I have lots of online friends.

I love my online friends

but

Its not the same as physically having friends in front of you who come over

who will bring you ice-cream when your sad

Ive never had that.

I had no friends in high school.

I had no friends after high school.

My animals are my friends.

and that got me bullied, even out of school.

People only where my friends because of who I dated.

If i wanted to interact with them they'd ignore me

I just want friends

I just want people to like me

I just want you to be my friend for me

My animals are my friends

They cheer me up

They are there for me

They may not say a word you can hear, but they are the best listeners.

Animals you can tell them any secret in the world and they wont tell a soul

You can tell them you love them, and they not think your attractive to them

Animals are my friends, but sometimes I wish I had human friends.