Chapter Five: Days like today

I have days like today a lot. more then i'd like to confess. 

Yesterday I laid in bed all day. 

I got out to check on my animals, use the bathroom, and tend to some farm emergencies. 

I was drained. 

I woke up drained. 

I had no energy left in my body, and to top it off i had a killer migraine. 

My whole body was sore, and no matter how much I slept my migraine didn't go away.

I have meds for my migraines, but they knock me out. cold.

Normally I have 10-15 mins before I fall asleep after I take them, but once I wake up, I'm in a groggy state for the rest of the day. 

then i sleep more.

then i get more sore from not moving.

then my sleeping schedule is messed up, and i have days like today.

Days like today can be good.

But, days like today can be bad.

Otis helps me a lot on days like today. He always sleeps close to me, but he knows on days like today, I really need him. 

He likes to come up to my face and snuggle in my hair. Sometimes he'll poke me on the cheek with his cold little nose to wake me up so I pet him. If i don't wake up he'll continue to poke my face till I do. Sometimes I wonder if it's his way to see if I'm alive, but then again he probably just wants pets.

Days like today have its ups and downs.

The ups are great, I normally work with my horses or goats and they make me feel like I'm on top of the world. 

They bring so much joy & happiness too me.

But

Days like today have its downs.

If I stay in bed for one day, it sets our farm back 5 days.

I feel sick, sore, and moody.

When the weather is gross its worse.

Days like today suck when the weather is gross.

sucks so much.

Days like today also means I got to reply to the 5+ Facebook messages and god knows how many emails. 

My anxiety hates replying.

It could be the simplest message but i will be frozen in fear that it'll go wrong.

Days like today I try to tell myself that its all worth it.

Sometimes it works

Sometimes it doesn't

When it doesn't, I have days like today, tomorrow.

Chapter Four: Friends

I suck at friendships.

I always seem to find a way to mess things up.

Don't call.

Don't text.

Don't talk.

Pretty much fall off the face of the earth like you've never known me.

I also get offended easy.

I try so hard not too.

For the longest thing I thought the reason why I got offended when people wouldn't talk to me any more was me being selfish.

Its my BPD.

Borderline Personality Disorder.

I still tell myself its because I'm selfish and an awful person, and thats why no one wants to be my friend, but thats what your head will do to you when your sick.

The mind is a powerful thing when it works against you.

I don't take friendships lightly, you say your my friend and that you like me, you will make my day, hell you will make my week.

Part of BPD is feeling abandoned.

I feel that way, and have been abandoned in many ways.

I don't trust people so its hard for me to accept when you say your my friend.

So many people have used me, I don't trust.

so many people say they're my friends, but their not

so many people say that they care, but they don't

Every time I trust a friend it comes and bit me in the ass.

I hate being like this.

I wanted to be the girl with thousands of friends on Facebook, tons of snapchat friends, and all the rest of the social media following.

I want friends to be texting me to come and hang out.

I want friends who arnt my friends because of who I'm engaged too or because I'm kinda sorta friends with someone.

I want you to be my friend because of me.

Even when I fall off the face of the earth

Even when I get upset over the smallest thing

Even when my depression is so bad i want to end my life

I just want you to be my friend because of me.

I put on a show for social media.

I have lots of online friends.

I love my online friends

but

Its not the same as physically having friends in front of you who come over

who will bring you ice-cream when your sad

Ive never had that.

I had no friends in high school.

I had no friends after high school.

My animals are my friends.

and that got me bullied, even out of school.

People only where my friends because of who I dated.

If i wanted to interact with them they'd ignore me

I just want friends

I just want people to like me

I just want you to be my friend for me

My animals are my friends

They cheer me up

They are there for me

They may not say a word you can hear, but they are the best listeners.

Animals you can tell them any secret in the world and they wont tell a soul

You can tell them you love them, and they not think your attractive to them

Animals are my friends, but sometimes I wish I had human friends.

Chapter Three; ADHD

Wiki describes ADHD as the following 

"Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a mental disorder of the neurodevelopmental type. It is characterized by problems paying attention, excessive activity, or difficulty controlling behavior which is not appropriate for a person's age."

I was in 6th grade when I diagnosed with ADHD. I had always struggled in school and was finally tested. My teacher, Mrs. Stone really helped me cope with it during 6th and 7th grade. When I got into 8th grade I really started to snuggle more. I didn't want to be in special ed anymore, but could never focus enough in class to be in mainstream classes.

In 10th grade my grades really started to suffer, I had issues with friends and being bullied (that'll be in another blog), but finally half way threw 11th grade I was able to switch to my schools alliterative program called WALA.

WALA was know for being the last resort for the "bad kids".

My mom, and most of my teachers thought it was a bad idea. My science teacher said "Your throwing Olivia to the sharks by putting her in that program"

They where so wrong.

Once I started in WALA I started to take meds for my ADHD. There was a huge improvement in my grades and my focus, but I had a lot of side effects from the meds. 

I hated being on meds, it made me feel dull, and didn't want to eat. 

In the summer I stopped taking them, and I felt free. I was never able to get much done, but I had fun!

My last year of high school I took meds again.

My mom and I decided to keep them in the nurses office so I had to take them, not throw them away like I had in years past.

It was embarrassing to get a pass when I'd forget to take them, but my grades increased and I graduated high school.

Once I got out of high school I knew i never wanted to take them again.

It wasn't for me.

I didn't (and still don't) plan on going to college so it wasn't a huge deal to me. 

Ive now been graduated from high school for 5 years. Its crazy to think that sometimes, high school sucked in so many ways.

As I got older I was able to self discipline myself into staying focus, I worked 3 jobs and stayed pretty organized.

When I got my head injury in May 2015 it was like i was back to my hyper, unfocused preteen self. 

I hated it. 

I would try to focus but just couldn't.

When I got Otis I started to get better.

Training a puppy takes a lot of work and focus.

I was told when we took Roxi (our first chihuahua) to puppy school that I'd never be able to fully train a chihuahua.

Otis was special, and knew I had to really focus myself and prove that trainer wrong.

I did awesome at keeping his training up for about 7 months, then I got depressed. I had just lost my pony in a freak accident and was a mess.

My ADHD was at its all time high.

One minute id be bouncing off the walls, the next I'd crash and wouldn't get out of bed.

I stopped working and training Otis for a long time.

I couldn't even stay focused enough to work with him for 5 mins. I'd try to teach him one thing, get flustered and stopped. Luckily Otis is super smart and never forgot the little sessions we had.

February 2017 I went back to get tested for my ADHD.

The doctors where worried that my head injury may have caused my ADHD to worsen. Thankfully after the test they said it was about the same.

It was during that test that the doctor recommend I do the 20 days of treatment. 

About 12 days in of the 20 I was put back on ADHD meds.

I. Was. Pissed.

I didn't take them.

I threw them away or flushed them down the toilet.

I hated them.

I hated the way it made me feel.

I hated the person it made me become.
Once I finished the program I stopped taking the meds.
I used Otis to keep me focused.
The more in tuned I was with Otis, the more focused my life became.
I'm currently following a book and group on how to train Otis as my service dog, this has helped my focus so much.
I'm able to break up his sessions to multiple times a day, which makes me keep a schedule.
I still feel super hyper and not focused, but on days where my energy level is threw the roof, we go for hikes.
Otis knows when these days are and he loves to bug me until we get out into the woods to hike.
I'm learning the best meds for my ADHD is Otis 
<3

Chapter Two; Meet Olivia

Ive been trying to figure out how to write about me. Most of the time I have to talk or write about me its fake or the few positive qualities I have. This blog will all about my struggles with my mental health so this post will be hard. 

My labels:

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder

Borderline Personality Disorder

Generalized Anxiety Disorder  

Major Depression Disorder

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Panic Disorder 

Agoraphobia

Mood Disorder

Suicide 

Migraine 

My labels don't defined me, but are a huge part of me.

I think WILL do a blog about each one, until then let me tell you a bit about myself.

So some things about me....

My name is Olivia Rene.

 I love going by Liv, or Livvy. 

Very rarely do I like being called Olivia, but I never tell anyone that. 

I hate being called Olive, I was bullied by a girl in middle school who used to call me olive. 

I'm 23 years old, but have been threw more sh*t then a 70 year old.

My childhood was rough. 

I was emotionally abused by my parents, and bullied really badly all through school.

Animals have always been my outlet, my happiness. 

My parents did everything possible to keep that from me.

Making friends isn't my strong point, I over think every friendship and will cut people out of my life in a blink of an eye.

Ive tried to kill myself more times then I can count between the ages of 14 and now, 23.

I hate myself, and I hate the way I look.

I feel like I can never do anything right and make people miserable.

People love to abandon me, my mentor did and broke my heart.

I love harder then anyone. 

I love love. 

I love telling people I love them. 

Hugs are my favorite, and I will hold on to you until you pull away.

I can go from butterflies and rainbows to black skies and darkness in a snap. 

I push away the people I love the most, but crave for their love.

 But I don't let people love me. If you love me, I'll push you away. Art is my favorite. 

I'm my biggest bully when it comes to my art, but I love it. Anytime I can be around animals I take it. 

Being around people I don't know scares me.

Being around people I know scares me even more.

I like to over think every possible situation and think the worse. 

I suck at writing and spelling but I try my hardest.

I always give 100% and will always keep my word.

I hate taking my medicine, and if I had it my way I wouldn't take it.

I have to take it to keep me mentally alive.

I'm overwhelmed as I write this. I'm crying as I write this. 

I cry a lot. I wish I didn't cry as much as I do. I hate putting myself out there. 

I hate being open with people. 

Ive been taken advantage of. 

I don't trust people. 

I trust animals.

 I feel crazy. 

I wish I was normal. 

I love pink and glitter. 

I see in black & white.

 My life is always is in black and white, but I try to shine. 

Chapter One; Meet Otis

Hey there :D Welcome to my blog!

I wanted to start blogging about some of my daily struggles with mental illnesses and how my dog Otis helps me.

Mental illness is not a joke. I had always known I had depression & anxiety, but there was a lot more too it. In March-April 2017 I went to a out patient treatment center (out of state) for help. I learned a lot about my illnesses, and learned I suffered from more then just anxiety & depression. 

One of those diagnoses was BPD or also known as Borderline Personality Disorder. I had never heard of BPD before, but when answering the questions I got 9/10...My BPD is partly why I wanted to start blogging about my life. I live a life thats pretty unique & not like most. 

But more about my life & mental health will come in later blogs, today is about Otis.

My dog Otis is like no other dog. He is special, unique, and has a gift. I never knew how much Otis meant to me, and how much he helped me in my day to day life till I had to deal with being away from him for a month.

I got Otis about 4 months from getting my head injury (don't worry, that blog is coming). I had asked for another chihuahua as my christmas present (my fiancé & I already had two girls) since I wanted a little boy. It was right before Halloween so the last thing I was doing was looking for my christmas present! 

Well, I found an ad for a little long hair male chihuahua who had a birth defect on his tail & was looking for his forever home.

I fell in love with his picture right away, and after some convincing, my fiancé, Kaden, and I made the trip to Iowa to go pick him up. I believe it was 8 hours round trip.

Otis went everywhere with me from the start, he was a lot more independent then my other two chis, but still liked to be near me. From the start he always 'knew' when I really needed him, like in the car. 

I have really bad car anxiety, some days are worse then others. Otis likes to sit in the backseat or in the middle between Kaden & I. Very rare does he actually sit in my lap, but even from the first week of owning him he knows right before I get scared or anxious & crawls into my lap. He'd have his own special way to comfort me, then would go back to where he was once he knew I was better.

After coming home from treatment I knew I wanted Otis to learn more things to help me. I had gotten a letter from my doctors for him to be my ESA, and after I did some research, I found that he would be better labeled as my psychiatric service dog.

I didn't need him for my emotional support, I needed him to do what he did best, calm me down in public & do tasks to help me in public & at home.

I still ordered him a emotional support animal vest, and got to training him. We only go to public places, and parks. He knows that vest on = work/training and vest off = fun time.

Once he got his vest I started to do more training. This is an example of how Otis got me out of bed, and is still getting me out of bed.

I hope you enjoyed the first blog entry. Im excited & terrified at the same time to write/blog about my life and how Otis helps me. The next blog will be more about me, then from there all about how Otis & I take on the world!